ASHBURN, VA—Political strategists from both major parties confirmed this week that voters are fed up with data centers. The massive, concrete warehouses now dominate suburban landscapes. Internal polling shows that citizens care more about industrial server hum than inflation. Campaign managers are quickly shifting their messaging to exploit this new wave of geographic anxiety.
The Loudest Issue in America
Candidates in key swing districts have abandoned traditional talking points. Instead, they stand in front of giant concrete slabs to demand louder bans. "My opponent takes money from Big Cloud," said candidate Greg Gavel in a recent campaign speech. Gavel pointed dramatically at a windowless gray block. "I will force these companies to house their algorithms in damp caves, where they belong." According to a report by NPR, local governments are struggling to balance tax revenues with voter rage over the digital architecture.
The issue transcends traditional party lines. Left-wing activists protest the immense water usage of the facilities. Right-wing groups claim the servers are storing digital wokeism. Both sides agree that the physical structures are incredibly ugly.
Vibes in the Cloud
Industry experts warn that banning the structures could destroy the modern internet. "People want instant video streaming but they do not want the physical reality of it," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. Vantablack suggested burying the servers beneath historic battlefields. "If we do not build more facilities, the algorithm will run out of space. Your digital memories will simply spill into the street."
At press time, both parties agreed to a bipartisan bill that would disguise all new facilities as giant, abandoned Blockbuster Video locations.
