WASHINGTON, D.C.— The Consumer Concert Safety Commission (CCSC) issued an urgent recall today for all Fontaines D.C. sets scheduled for the upcoming Reading and Leeds Festivals. Regulatory inspectors detected dangerously high levels of unfiltered post-punk melancholy leaking from the stage monitors. The hazard poses an immediate threat of spontaneous public staring and sudden existential dread.
Hazardous Irish Accents Detected
The federal safety agency launched an investigation after testing early soundchecks in northern England. Officials discovered that the Reading & Leeds Festival sound systems cannot contain the band's dense, atmospheric basslines. "We measured Irish prose levels that exceed federal safety limits by 400 percent," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass. "A single exposure to these Fontaines D.C. sets can cause a teenager to buy a long leather coat in August."
Affected Units and Exposure Zones
The recall affects all spectators within 300 yards of the Main Stage West during the scheduled performances. Affected units include any festival-goers wearing bucket hats, muddy boots, or expressions of youth apathy. The CCSC warns that the combination of Charli XCX and the somber Dublin post-punk energy creates an unstable atmospheric pressure zone. This pressure can collapse nearby pop-up tents instantly.
Remedy and Compensation
Consumers must immediately step away from the stage barricades during the Fontaines D.C. sets to avoid permanent emotional dampness. Security staff will distribute emergency high-energy pop music to neutralize the somber vibes. Festival organizers plan to offer refunds in the form of glowsticks and upbeat drum-and-bass remixes. At press time, regulators warned that even brief eye contact with lead singer Grian Chatten could cause viewers to write terrible poetry about concrete.