TO: All Regional Marketing Leads
FROM: Corporate Feud Mitigation Taskforce
RE: Operational protocol for the ongoing Liam Gallagher feud with Fontaines D.C.
Please review these mandatory guidelines immediately. The Liam Gallagher feud with Fontaines D.C. has entered a critical operational phase. Former Oasis frontman Liam Gallagher continues to tweet aggressive insults. Irish post-punk band Fontaines D.C. continues to shrug passively. This imbalance threatens our Q4 merchandise projections across the UK and Ireland.
Tactical Parka Protocols
Effective immediately, pull all heavy-duty parkas from retail displays in Dublin. Do not display bucket hats near copies of the new Fontaines D.C. record. "We observed a 40 percent spike in aggressive Tambourine usage," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "The Liam Gallagher feud with Fontaines D.C. is creating hazardous levels of pure Northern swagger."
All social media managers must monitor X constantly. If Liam calls anyone a "spunkbubble," do not engage. Simply log the insult in the corporate database. "We cannot predict who Liam will target next," stated Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "Our models show an 80 percent chance he attacks a modern indie band for wearing slightly wide trousers."
Mandatory Ceasefire Mandates
Do not play Irish post-punk inside any UK store locations. Staff must play neutral ambient noise or silence. We must de-escalate the Liam Gallagher feud with Fontaines D.C. before the summer festival season begins.
Sincerely,
Management
(Note: Please resolve this quickly so we can sell our leftover Oasis reunion mugs at full price without annoying the hipsters.)
