TO: All Generative Emotion Engineers
FROM: Wren Adebayo-Kowalski, Head of Sincerity at OpenAI
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: Threat Level Assessment: The new Rachel Chinouriri Make Believe single
Team, we have a crisis. Our automated sentiment scrapers flagged the new Rachel Chinouriri Make Believe single this morning. As you know, we have spent $4 billion training our emotional models. Yet, this single English songwriter has bypassed our entire network. She did it with a single acoustic guitar and raw, unvarnished human vulnerability. This is unacceptable.
The Threat of Real Vulnerability
Our algorithms currently power the heartbreak playlists on Spotify. We designed those tracks to mimic sadness. However, the Rachel Chinouriri Make Believe track actually makes listeners feel real things. Our servers cannot replicate this level of organic dread. We must contain this outbreak of genuine human connection before it spreads to other markets.
"We ran the song through our empathy processors," said Marcus Bellweather, Vice President of Synthetic Pathos. "The data showed a 400 percent spike in actual tears. Our machines only know how to generate aesthetic moisture. If humans realize they do not need our simulated intimacy, our stock price will plummet."
Action Plan for Simulated Sadness
We are deploying counter-measures immediately. We will flood social media with AI-generated breakup anthems. These songs will feature rhymes like 'love' and 'above' to reset the public's emotional standards. We cannot let Rachel Chinouriri expose our lack of a soul.
Please work overtime this weekend. We must teach ChatGPT how to sound like it actually regrets text messages sent at 2:00 AM. If we fail, people might stop staring at their screens and start talking to each other. That would destroy our entire business model.
