AUSTIN, TX—The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration issued an urgent product recall notice for the Tesla Roadster on Tuesday. Officials cited a severe safety hazard regarding the vehicle’s total failure to exist. The order affects all hypothetical units sold since 2017. Regulators warned that attempting to drive a non-existent vehicle at high speeds could lead to severe physical injury or mild embarrassment.
Hazard Description
According to federal inspectors, the primary hazard involves a complete absence of physical matter. Drivers attempting to enter the invisible cabin will fall directly onto the pavement. "We identified a critical defect in the vehicle's manufacturing pipeline," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before at the NHTSA. "Specifically, the factory never built the car. Customers who attempt to utilize the Tesla Roadster will only find an empty driveway and a sense of profound spiritual emptiness."
Reports indicate that over 50,000 customers have submitted $50,000 deposits for the vaporware sports car. Federal investigators noted that several buyers sustained minor injuries after jumping onto their garage floors while making engine noises with their mouths.
Remedy And Corrective Action
Tesla has instructed all current reservation holders to immediately cease expecting a tangible automobile. The manufacturer stated that an over-the-air software update will soon remove the car from customers' imaginations. "We take safety very seriously," said Arthur Vance, Senior Vice President of Theoretical Engineering at Tesla. "While we cannot guarantee a delivery date, we are actively developing a solution. That solution involves customers simply forgetting they ever gave us money."
Consumers seeking a replacement vehicle should immediately purchase a bicycle. At press time, federal agents advised reservation holders to safely dispose of their driver's licenses, as they will no longer be needing them.
