DES MOINES—Faced with record diesel prices that threaten to bankrupt the nation's agricultural sector, desperate Midwestern farmers have begun powering their heavy machinery with the raw, acoustic energy of screaming men. The innovative pivot comes as fuel costs surpass all historical averages, forcing growers to find creative ways to keep their combines moving across the heartland.
The Sound of Progress
Local growers have quickly modified their John Deere tractors to run on high-decibel fury. Engineers bypassed traditional combustion engines, installing custom vocal-converters that translate pure vocal cord vibration into torque. "We simply could not afford the fuel bills," said Harlan Vance, president of the Iowa Corn Growers Union. "Now, we strap three local divorcees to the hood of a harvester and let them talk about their ex-wives. The machine runs for eighteen hours straight."
The economic impact of the transition is already reshaping rural communities. Economists at the Reuters news agency had previously warned that record diesel prices would spark unprecedented food inflation. However, the abundance of angry middle-aged men has created a buyer's market for raw agitation.
Unmatched Efficiency
According to researchers, different topics of conversation yield varying levels of horsepower. "Talking about local zoning laws gets us about ten miles per gallon," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "But if you mention the concept of property taxes, the tractor can pull a heavy plow through wet clay at forty miles per hour."
At press time, several farms in Nebraska reported a sudden drop in productivity after their screaming men lost their voices and had to be temporarily replaced by mild-mannered librarians who only whispered polite suggestions.
