MEMORANDUM
TO: All Regional Logistics Directors
FROM: Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts
DATE: October 24, 2023
RE: Action Plan for the Recent Diesel Fuel Milestone
As you know, our industry has hit a historic diesel fuel milestone. Record high prices now threaten our quarterly shipping margins. We must pivot immediately. We cannot let our fuel costs outpace our corporate bonuses. Therefore, we are suspending the use of petroleum-based semi-trucks effective tomorrow at dawn.
The Human Wheel Solution
To bypass the current diesel fuel milestone crisis, we are installing giant steel running wheels in our cargo trailers. Each terminal will recruit forty entry-level interns. They will run in shifts of eight hours. Our tests prove that three motivated undergraduates can push a twenty-ton shipment of organic avocados up a moderate hill. They only require seltzer and verbal praise.
"This is a win-win for our carbon footprint," said Barnaby Quill, who also serves as Interim Director of Calorie Conservation. "We are bypassing the diesel exhaust fluid supply chain entirely. If an intern stops running, we will simply replace them with a fresh communications major."
Operational Guidelines
Please ensure all regional hubs construct these wheels using recycled office furniture. Do not purchase new materials. We must keep costs low to offset the diesel fuel milestone damage. If the Department of Transportation asks about our new propulsion systems, refer to them as 'biodegradable kinetic engines.'
We expect some pushback from local labor boards. However, we have classified the giant hamster wheels as 'wellness-focused standing desks' to avoid regulatory scrutiny. Thank you for your cooperation in these trying economic times. We must keep our trucks moving, even if it kills our temporary staff.
