SEOUL— A dramatic courtroom battle over the new single by Blackpink star Rosé has exposed the music industry's most guarded secrets. During testimony in the District Court of Seoul, executives admitted that the proprietary technology behind the hit song Rosé new trick does not actually involve any music. Instead, prosecutors allege the label used advanced canine training techniques to force the K-pop star to fetch chart-topping melodies against her will.
Q: To your knowledge, did the defendant use physical treats to elicit the high notes on the single Rosé new trick?
A: Yes. We used premium freeze-dried liver. Standard kibble did not get her to hit the high F-sharp in the chorus.
Q: Is it true that the entire production team wore training sleeves during the recording sessions?
A: Yes. Pop stars can bite when they get startled by a sudden key change. It is standard safety protocol at the label.
Q: Let the record show the witness is wearing a bite-proof vest under his suit. Now, tell the court about the choreography rehearsal.
A: We tried to teach her to play dead during the bridge. But she kept wanting to shake hands with the backup dancers. It was a disaster.
Q: So the title Rosé new trick is not a metaphor for personal growth?
A: Absolutely not. It refers to her learning how to balance a Grammy on her nose without dropping it. We spent three weeks on that.
Q: And the music industry at large? Do they all use these methods?
A: Look at the charts. Why do you think every pop star wears a collar now? It is not fashion. It is compliance. Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs, told us this was the only way to beat the Spotify algorithm.
Q: I see. No further questions, your Honor.
At press time, the judge ordered the entire courtroom to sit, stay, and roll over before granting a recess.
