MOSCOW—The Federal Agency for Technical Regulating and Metrology today issued a mandatory product recall on all high-voltage electrical current released during the latest Russian power grid infrastructure attack.
Hazard and Affected Units
The recall affects approximately 4.5 billion gigawatts of kinetic energy deployed across Ukraine this morning. Regulators warn that these unauthorized electrons do not meet domestic safety standards. They may cause unexpected illumination in targeted municipalities.
"We detected a critical software error in our kinetic delivery system," said Dmitry Gvozdev, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Premature Utility Distribution. "The current did not dissipate upon impact. It instead attempted to power local hospitals. This violates our strict export policies." The agency advises citizens to avoid contact with any stray static electricity remaining on the Ukrainian power grid.
Remedy and Returns
The Kremlin expects all affected households to return the captured voltage immediately. Consumers must pack the electricity into certified dielectric containers. They must then ship them back to the Russian border posthaste.
"Our measurements indicate these electrons are far too active," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass, whom the Kremlin consulted to measure the decibel levels of the blast waves. "They are vibrating at frequencies that could excite local populations. We prefer a dull, silent hum of compliance."
At press time, Russian officials warned that failing to return the recalled voltage would result in a second, larger delivery of high-voltage products to collect the debt.
