WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of the Treasury has issued an immediate, nationwide product recall on all newly minted secondary sanctions. Officials cited a critical manufacturing defect. The policy accidentally banned all transactions involving money.
Dangerous Spillover Effects
The recall affects all units of the economic weapon. The administration deployed the policy on Tuesday. It aimed to isolate foreign adversaries. Instead, the design flaw targeted domestic savings accounts. The Treasury Department warned consumers to stop using the financial system immediately.
"We detected a critical logic loop in the code," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta, who consulted on the emergency response. "The secondary sanctions were supposed to punish foreign banks. Instead, they recognized the U.S. dollar as an accomplice. It began sanctioning itself. We advise citizens to store their wealth in canned peaches."
Affected Units and Remedy
The hazardous policy contains the serial number 89-BESSENT. It features a shiny gold seal. It remains highly unstable. Under the current rules, anyone who buys a coffee could trigger a federal asset freeze. The agency has received over 40,000 reports of spontaneous bankruptcy.
"My credit card melted in my hand," said local consumer Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass. "I tried to buy a lawnmower spark plug. The register said I was funding a rogue nuclear program. This is a clear design flaw in these secondary sanctions."
At press time, the Treasury Department advised citizens to return their cash to the nearest Federal Reserve branch for a voucher redeemable for one high-quality, government-approved high-five.
