FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
JEFFERSON CITY, MO—The Missouri Supreme Court shocked political scientists today by ordering state officials to draft all future congressional maps using a giant, communal Etch a Sketch. This emergency measure nullifies the controversial Trump-backed redistricting plan. It establishes a brand-new, highly volatile standard for drawing legislative boundaries across the state of Missouri.
The Ultimate Erasable Democracy
The landmark ruling requires state cartographers to use a standard red plastic frame and two white dials to represent the will of the voters. Chief Justice Brenda Vance announced the decision during a live-streamed press conference. She insisted that the physical limitations of the classic toy would foster bipartisan cooperation.
"Under the new rules, any sudden movement by the Supreme Court building will erase the entire congressional map," said Vance, while carefully setting the toy on a velvet pillow. "The Trump-backed redistricting plan relied too heavily on computer modeling. We believe that true democracy should require a steady hand, zero diagonal lines, and a healthy fear of earthquakes. This is a big win for the Missouri Supreme Court and lovers of vintage plastic."
Expert Feedback on the New Framework
Legal analysts warn that drawing Missouri's eighth congressional district on a grid of silver powder presents unique geometric challenges. Experts note that any attempt to gerrymander St. Louis will inevitably result in a giant, solid black block that ruins the screen.
"The vibes of this map are incredibly delicate right now," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. "If a cartographer gets frustrated and shakes the unit, we will have to start the entire 2024 election cycle over from scratch. But honestly, it is still more coherent than the original Trump-backed redistricting plan. At least this toy has a clear clearing mechanism."
About the Missouri Board of Elections
The Missouri Board of Elections is a highly disorganized collection of people who primarily use Yahoo Mail. We have no idea how to draw congressional maps. We bought twelve thousand Etch a Sketches from an liquidated KB Toys in 2004 and have been waiting for a constitutional crisis to justify the storage fees.