BLOOMINGTON, IN—A federal courtroom became the unlikely venue for a historical retrospective this week as the Secretly Group anniversary celebration faced intense legal scrutiny. Under oath, label executives defended their thirty-year rise to the top of the indie music world. Plaintiffs allege the company used highly unorthodox tactics to build its celebrated roster. Legal counsel grilled representatives of the label group, which includes Secretly Canadian and Jagjaguwar, regarding their historical signing methods.
Q: Mr. Swanson, let us discuss the early days of this so-called Secretly Group anniversary. How did you secure your first major distribution deal?
A: We told the distributor we were a Christian polka label. They did not check the tapes. By the time they realized it was just noisy basement rock, we had already spent the advance on a communal lawnmower.
Q: Is it true that you acquired the master recordings of Bon Iver by tricking Justin Vernon at a county fair?
A: It was a very standard raffle. He thought he was entering to win a meat smoker. He signed the ticket. The fine print on the back of the ticket transferred his publishing rights to us. He got the smoker. Everyone won.
Q: Let the record show the witness is sweating profusely. Now, let us turn to your current roster. How do you maintain such a high critical reputation?
A: We pay Pitchfork writers in heirloom tomatoes and vintage sweaters. It is a barter system. The IRS does not know how to tax a hand-knitted cardigan. We have kept this Secretly Group anniversary clean of cash bribes.
Q: I present Exhibit C. This is a contract signed by Phoebe Bridgers written entirely in crayon on a Applebee's placemat. Can you explain this?
A: She was hungry. We offered her mozzarella sticks. She signed. That is how the modern indie music ecosystem works, counselor. You feed them appetizers, they give you their twenties. If we did not do it, Sub Pop would have.
At press time, the judge dismissed all charges after the defense entered a rare vinyl pressing of an obscure 1990s slowcore album into evidence as a bribe.
