ST. LOUIS—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a nationwide recall today for the new Shady Bug single. Regulators found that the track, titled Shady Bug seed, contains dangerous levels of unrefined fuzz. This sonic texture poses a severe risk to standard audio equipment.
Hazardous Levels of Distortion
Government testers discovered that the song contains high-voltage guitar tones. These frequencies can rattle eardrums and cause house plants to grow at alarming rates. "We found microscopic soil particles embedded in the WAV files," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "The song Shady Bug seed is literally too organic for digital streaming networks. It might damage your speakers with actual mud."
The affected units include all digital streams of Shady Bug seed on Spotify and Apple Music. Physical promo cassettes also pose a physical threat. Regulators warn that handling the tape may cause dirt to transfer directly onto listener hands.
Official Remedy and Exchange
Consumers must stop playing the track immediately. The label, Julia's War Recordings, offered a full digital exchange. Listeners can swap the dangerous single for a sterile, corporate pop track. "We apologize for the dirt," said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. "We prefer our music completely clean and free of any raw human emotion. This song violated our safety guidelines for slickness."
At press time, federal agents were seen wearing hazmat suits while attempting to scrub the final chorus of Shady Bug seed from a server in Ohio.
