WASHINGTON—United States President Donald Trump sparked an international incident this week by attempting to rename Lake Ontario. While Canadian officials reacted with fury, leaked White House documents reveal this is only the beginning of a massive global rebranding campaign. The administration plans to unilaterally rename Lake Ontario and several other major global landmarks to assert aesthetic dominance.
1. The Niagara Falls
The administration wants to rename this natural wonder the 'Trump Liquid Wall.' Officials believe this name sounds much more secure and patriotic. 'It is a spectacular waterfall, but it needs a stronger brand identity,' said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify, who consulted on the project.
2. The Canadian Dollar
Under the new proposal, the Canadian currency would officially become the 'Northern Coupon.' White House staff argued this would simplify trade negotiations by reminding everyone who holds the real money. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau reportedly stared at the proposal in silence for four minutes.
3. The Entire Season of Winter
Leaked memos show plans to rename the coldest season to 'The Great Air Conditioning.' Analysts say this change aims to make the freezing temperatures of North America sound like a luxury utility. The White House hopes this will improve approval ratings during January blizzards.
4. The NFL
The President reportedly wants to rename the national league to the 'Very Patriotic Football League.' Supporters have already threatened to boycott the NFL if they do not adopt the name immediately. The new league would feature mandatory gold-plated helmets for all players.
5. Mount Everest
The world's tallest peak would become 'The Big Pile.' Administration sources claim the current name is too difficult for children to spell. They believe 'The Big Pile' offers a more direct, honest description of the geological formation.
6. The Atlantic Ocean
The final item on the list is the total rebranding of the Atlantic Ocean to 'The East Pool.' White House aides noted this would make the vast body of water feel more exclusive and accessible to select resort guests. At press time, Trump was seen squinting at a globe with a thick black permanent marker.
