TO: All SpaceX Staff
FROM: Executive Suite
RE: Distribution of SpaceX shares for kids
Management recently announced a bold new initiative. Next year, we will issue non-voting equity to every minor in America. This decision will empower the youth. It will also vastly expand our investor base into the sandbox demographic.
Operational Directives
Our legal team prepared specialized paper certificates. Each share comes with a sheet of holographic stickers. Employees must help process millions of tiny brokerage accounts. You can review standard equity distribution rules via the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission.
"We must capture the youth market early," said Janet Holloway, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Things That Shouldn't Exist. "Seven-year-olds make excellent long-term shareholders. They rarely demand quarterly dividends. They mostly care about bright colors and loud rocket engines."
Shareholder Rights
Children cannot sell their equity until age eighteen. They cannot attend board meetings without a chaperone. They may, however, vote on rocket paint schemes. Additional guidelines mirror standard startup practices documented on Wikipedia.
"My six-year-old son already pledged his vote to build a moon base made of cheese," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass. "He is currently suing the board over snack rations."
Please execute this plan immediately. We need to artificially inflate our user metrics before the third-quarter audit catches our real debt numbers.
