SEATTLE— The ongoing federal antitrust lawsuit against Valve Corporation took a bizarre turn on Tuesday when prosecutors entered into evidence the hardware specifications for the newly launched Steam Frame virtual reality headset. The following court transcript excerpt details the cross-examination of Dr. Aris Thorne, Chief of Immersion Engineering at Valve. Thorne slowly admitted under oath that the highly anticipated Steam Frame does not actually utilize silicon chips, but rather relies on a complex system of smoke, mirrors, and a singular, highly stressed field mouse running inside the strap.
Q: Dr. Thorne, you testified that the Steam Frame delivers 4K resolution per eye. How is that possible without an external power brick?
A: We optimized the SteamOS 0.3.0 software. We also feed the mouse high-fructose corn syrup.
Q: The mouse? There is a live rodent inside the Steam Frame chassis?
A: He is a certified contractor. His name is Barnaby. He turns the little gears that project the pixels directly onto the user's retinas.
Q: Is this standard practice for the VR industry?
A: Absolutely. Meta uses hamsters. Apple uses a very sophisticated colony of trained sugar gliders. Silicon is a myth propagated by Big Sand.
Q: So you are telling this court that the entire VR market is just small animals in plastic helmets?
A: Yes. Why do you think the headsets are so heavy? It is not the batteries. It is the tiny water bottles and exercise wheels. If the mouse stops running, your Steam Frame frame-rate drops to zero. That is why we recommend keeping cheese near your USB ports.
