WASHINGTON—A federal antitrust hearing took an unexpected turn today when a senior wireless executive admitted to the court that his company accepts cursed items and actual biological waste. The testimony revealed the true, dark scope of the wireless carrier's aggressive new promotion. Under intense questioning, the executive detailed how the current trade-in program for the iPhone 18 Pro has completely abandoned all traditional standards of commerce.
Q: Mr. Vance, is it true that T-Mobile promised to accept an iPhone 18 Pro trade-in regardless of its physical state?
A: Yes, that is correct. Our marketing team was very clear. Any condition means any condition.
Q: So when a customer brought in a jar containing a single, wet human tooth, you accepted it?
A: We did. We appraised the tooth at eight hundred dollars. The customer walked out with a brand new iPhone 18 Pro.
Q: What about the cursed Victorian doll that reportedly screams when the moon is full?
A: It currently sits in our distribution hub in Ohio. It has a trade-in value of nine hundred and fifty dollars. It actually improved our quarterly shipping logistics.
Q: Are you telling this court that T-Mobile is actively hoarding haunted artifacts to subsidize the iPhone 18 Pro?
A: The entire mobile industry is doing this. CNN reported on our high trade-in volumes last week. We do not need phones. We need vessels for the ancient spirits. Samsung is doing the exact same thing with old sarcophagi.
Q: This is madness. How do you value a box of angry bees against a premium titanium smartphone?
A: The bees have excellent 5G reception. We are currently using them to power our mid-band spectrum in rural Nebraska.
