CUPERTINO, CA—Tech enthusiasts worldwide are bracing their wallets as rumors swirl about Apple's 'Pro and Tell' event. CEO Tim Cook will take the stage to unveil devices designed to make your six-month-old laptop look like an ancient stone tablet. Here is a breakdown of what industry experts expect from the big presentation.
1. The MacBook Pro Infinite
The new laptop features a processor so fast it executes tasks before you even think of them. It ships without a keyboard, screen, or ports. Users must purchase those accessories separately for $1,200 each. The device connects directly to your anxiety via Bluetooth.
2. A $400 Woven Polishing Cloth Pro
Apple will introduce a Space Black version of its popular cleaning rag. It includes a tiny embedded chip that tracks how clean your screen is. "It uses machine learning to shame you about finger smudges," said Arthur Pendelton, Senior Vice President of Premium Accessories at Apple. "It will refuse to wipe your display if it detects non-Apple dust."
3. The Dongle Multipack
To support the new hardware, Apple plans to launch a proprietary 18-piece adapter set. The system requires four separate dongles chained together just to charge the battery. "We streamlined the design by moving all useful ports into a separate $500 brick," explained Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok.
4. Liquid Titanium Pricing Tiers
Every new device announced during Apple's 'Pro and Tell' event will feature a finish made from space-grade metal. Base models start at an entry-level price of your monthly mortgage payment. Higher storage tiers require signing over the deed to your home.
5. A Mandatory iCloud Personality Upgrade
The company will announce that free cloud storage is dropping to four kilobytes. Users who refuse to pay $19.99 a month will have their photos automatically replaced with images of Tim Cook frowning. At press time, Apple confirmed the event will end with a surprise announcement that your current phone has officially stopped working.
