TO: All Staff, Modular Recordings
FROM: Gary Vance, Executive Vice President of Guest List Congestion
RE: The Avalanches Far Away Collabs and Guest Management Protocols
MELBOURNE— Please review this urgent memo regarding the upcoming album No Bad Memories. Our primary concern is the massive roster of guest vocalists. The newest single, The Avalanches “Far Away” (Feat. John Glacier & Khadija Al Hanafi), has officially pushed our internal server limits. We have reached the maximum number of legal collaborators allowed on a single audio file. Please do not pitch any more voice actors from 1990s films.
The Guest List Crisis
“We ran out of microphones on Tuesday,” said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. “The Avalanches Far Away collabs now require their own dedicated regional area code. John Glacier and Khadija Al Hanafi delivered incredible verses. However, we had to physically stack them on top of Mike Patton and Haley Joel Osment just to fit them into the stereo mix. The master tape now weighs eighty pounds.”
Staff must immediately cease scouting additional talent. We do not need Carly Simon to play triangle. We do not need Rivers Cuomo to hum in the background. The file size of "Far Away" is currently larger than the database of the Australian tax office. If we add one more indie darling, the master file will collapse into a black hole of sheer whimsy.
New Crowd Control Protocols
“We are witnessing a dangerous density of talent,” said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. “When you mix John Glacier, Khadija Al Hanafi, and twenty-three other people on one track, you no longer have a song. You have a highly rhythmic census report. The human ear cannot digest this much collective consciousness.”
Moving forward, we will restrict all future singles to a maximum of six feature artists. Please delete the email thread where we invited the entire surviving cast of The Sopranos to whistle on track twelve. We must preserve what little hard drive space we have left.
Sincerely,
Gary Vance
EVP of Guest List Congestion
(Dictated but not read. Sent from my iPad while hiding in a supply closet to avoid another pitch from Panda Bear.)
