TO: All Regional Marketing Directors
FROM: Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: Emergency Protocol Regarding The Weeknd Tokyo Debut
We must address the situation immediately. Last night, Abel Tesfaye kicked off his Asian tour. He performed a brand-new song alongside Japanese legend Yoko Takahashi. This performance officially confirms the The Weeknd Tokyo debut. More importantly, it confirms he did not retire his stage name. We spent millions on his retirement merchandise. We printed thousands of 'Goodbye Abel' tote bags. Now, we must pivot our entire global strategy.
The Stage Name Relapse Strategy
Our research team predicted this setback. "Tesfaye cannot survive without his stage name," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "The human brain cannot process Abel as a pop star. It sounds like a guy who fixes printers." Because of this The Weeknd Tokyo debut, we must re-label all inventory. Do not destroy the retirement shirts. Simply print the word 'Psych!' over the previous text.
We need local teams to push the new single hard. Please ensure the The Weeknd Tokyo debut dominates all regional playlists. We must make the public forget he promised to kill the moniker. If a reporter asks about the name retirement, distract them. Throw a smoke bomb or launch a t-shirt cannon.
New Merchandise Guidelines
Effective immediately, all tour merch must feature both names. We will sell shirts that say 'Abel Tesfaye Presents The Weeknd Featuring Abel.' This will confuse the consumer. Confused consumers spend 40% more on hats. We must recoup the losses from the aborted farewell campaign.
Please note that this directive is highly confidential. Do not forward this email to any external press contacts. We must maintain the illusion of a planned artistic evolution. At press time, we have learned that Tesfaye is already planning a new farewell tour for next Tuesday.
