BOSTON—Indie folk group Tiny Habits announced their new album, “Keepers,” on Friday. The lead single features a guest spot from Matty Healy of The 1975. The band confirmed the track, titled “Anything He Was,” was recorded during a brief moment of collective insanity. Tiny Habits members admitted they were influenced by a shared craving for attention. “We just wanted to see what would happen,” said lead singer Maya McGrory. The band is already planning a counter-single. It will feature a kazoo solo from a local librarian. This is meant to be a palate cleanser for listeners. Tiny Habits hopes to distance themselves from the previous song. “Anything He Was” is a confusing sonic tapestry. It blends acoustic guitar with what sounds like a dying modem. Healy’s contribution is described as “enthusiastic yelling.” McGrory added, “We thought it would be funny. It wasn’t.”
The Sound of Regret
The song’s release has been met with mild confusion. Critics are unsure how to categorize the track. It defies genre conventions. Many listeners are simply asking “why?” The band claims the collaboration was spur-of-the-moment. They insist they were “dared” by Healy himself. “He said he’d cover James Taylor with us. We said ‘deal’,” explained guitarist Leo Sanchez. Sanchez is the self-proclaimed “hype man” of the group. He now regrets his enthusiastic agreement. “I didn’t think he’d actually show up,” Sanchez stated. “Now we’re stuck with this earworm.” The band’s management is reportedly seeking legal counsel. They want to remove Healy’s vocals. This is proving difficult. Healy is apparently very attached to his performance. He reportedly called it “artistic catharsis.” Tiny Habits is now avoiding all contact with him. They have changed their phone numbers. They also blocked him on all social media platforms. This was done to prevent further artistic exchanges. They hope this will save their artistic integrity. The band’s new album, “Keepers,” is out next month. It will reportedly feature no other celebrity cameos. The band is sticking to what they know. This includes their own unique brand of melancholic folk-pop. They are also considering changing the album title. This is to distance themselves from the lead single. They are looking at options like “The Ballad of Maya’s Bad Decision.” Or perhaps “Please Send Help.”
A New Direction?
Tiny Habits spokesperson, Brenda Fumblefingers, issued a statement. “The band is focusing on their core sound,” she said. “They are committed to creating authentic music.” Fumblefingers is a certified “Vibe Curator.” She insists the Healy collaboration was a “learning experience.” The band hopes to move past this. They are currently writing new material. This new material is described as “significantly less annoying.” McGrory stated, “We are happy to be back to making music for ourselves. Not for the algorithm.” She expressed relief at returning to their roots. The band is considering a new song. It’s about the existential dread of choosing a streaming service. They want to make music that resonates. They believe “Anything He Was” did not achieve this. The band members are currently in hiding. They are at a remote cabin. They are reportedly listening to Enya. This is to cleanse their auditory canals. They aim to forget the entire experience. They want to move forward with their music career. The band hopes for a positive future. They wish for a future without Matty Healy. They hope this song will be forgotten. Tiny Habits wants to be known for their own music. Not for a song featuring a questionable celebrity. They are determined to regain public trust. They want to do this through music. Their music will not feature Matty Healy. This is their solemn vow. This is their new promise to fans.
At press time, Healy had reportedly sent Tiny Habits a playlist. It was titled “More Vibes for the Road.”
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
Related stories: Slow Fiction Announces Debut Album ‘dollhouse,’ Hopes It’s Less Depressing Than Actual Dollhouses Danzig Announces September 2026 US Tour With Increased Blood Sacrifices Vince Staples Announces Tour Where He Will ‘Actually Try This Time’
