OAKLAND—A federal court convened today to determine if the highly anticipated Toner Dynasty House LP violates international trade laws regarding fuzzy frequencies. Government prosecutors allege that the Oakland-based lo-fi project, helmed by Samuelito Cruz, has cornered the entire global market on nostalgic guitar-pop. The defense argues that releasing the first full-length Toner album in five years does not constitute an illegal corporate merger of fuzzy basslines and hooky choruses. Attorneys entered the following exchange into the official congressional record during cross-examination.
Q: Mr. Cruz, is it true that the upcoming album Toner Dynasty House contains melodies so catchy they violate the Sherman Antitrust Act?
A: Look, I just write the songs. I didn't mean to chokehold the indie distribution pipeline. I just wanted to share 'Cleo' with the world.
Q: But you did chokehold it, didn't you? We have testimony from Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. She claims your new track 'Cleo' contains a guitar tone that legally belongs to three different major-label subsidiaries.
A: That tone is just a cheap fuzz pedal and a dream. The Smoking Room label doesn't even have an office. We operate out of a shared Google Drive.
Q: A Google Drive that currently controls 94% of the Northern California lo-fi guitar-pop reserve, according to our experts. How do you explain the lack of pre-order links or album art? Is it because you are hoarding the assets to drive up global demand?
A: No, we just forgot to upload the JPEG of the cover art. We were busy tuning the guitars. It takes a long time to make things sound this beautifully blown-out.
Q: The court finds your lack of organization highly suspicious and incredibly cool. We are ordering a full halt on all Stereogum premieres until we can assess the threat to the national economy.
