TO: All Staff
FROM: Brenda Vance, VP of Auditory Hazard Control
RE: Safety protocols for the upcoming Total Wife remix EP, titled come.back.down.x.recovery.
Management urges extreme caution when handling this new release. The Nashville duo already makes highly glitched-out shoegaze. This new project features reworkings by TAGABOW and Winter. Our preliminary testing shows that the Total Wife remix audio files contain unstable levels of digital disintegration. Do not play these tracks on standard office speakers.
Mandatory Ear Protection Required
"The sheer density of the shoegaze textures in this Total Wife remix project caused three of our digital audio workstations to melt," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass. "We are talking about a level of fuzz that can detune a listener's pacemaker. I have advised the label to ship each EP with protective goggles. If you hear a bitcrushed snare, evacuate the room."
We have established designated safe zones in the breakroom. Employees must not stream the Total Wife remix tracks near open flames. The sheer volume of experimental electronic tones could trigger localized seismic events in the office basement.
Decompression Protocols
"We tried to normalize the audio files twice," said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. "Both times, the software just started crying. We had to soothe the server with three hours of smooth jazz."
Please note that any staff member who suffers from temporary eardrum pixelation will not receive worker's comp. We warned you. Sincerely, Management. (Note: We must leak this Total Wife remix safety warning immediately to inflate our Q4 hype metrics among teenage noise fans.)
