TO: All Regional Distribution Managers
FROM: Office of the Director, United States Mint
DATE: October 25, 2024
RE: Immediate halt of the Trump $1 coins distribution network
This memo outlines urgent instructions regarding the newly issued currency. Effective immediately, you must pause all shipments of the Trump $1 coins. Field offices report that the coins possess a unique physical property. They refuse to remain in standard pockets. They slip out of trousers. They roll away into sewers.
A Physics Problem
"We did not account for the high level of friction rejection," said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify, who consulted on the coin's tactile marketing. "The metal does not like denim. It actively repels polyester. The coins slide upward out of pockets. It defies gravity. It defies basic economics. We need a softer metal."
Citizens across three states reported immediate losses. Most coins disappeared within four minutes of purchase. Some citizens found their pockets turned completely inside out. Others reported the coins made a faint whistling sound while escaping.
Return Instructions
Do not touch the Trump $1 coins with bare hands. Use the official magnetic scoops. Store them in the heavy lead-lined boxes. We must return them to the central vault before they escape the facility entirely.
Please execute these steps quietly. We must protect our brand. We also need to recover the silver we stole from the national park statues to make these. Thank you for your silence.
