FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
WASHINGTON—The White House today proudly announced a new national initiative following the President's bold statement that any rumored AI hoax is actually a massive victory for American innovation. Officials confirmed they will now fast-track the development of computer programs that do absolutely nothing. The administration believes this bold stance will protect national security from imaginary threats.
A Breakthrough in Nothingness
"We are fully committed to leading the world in non-existent technology," said Derek Vance, Deputy Undersecretary of the Office of Fictional Advancements. "If the public believes this AI hoax is real, then we have already won the psychological war against the machines. Our new systems will run on pure, unfiltered vibes." The administration plans to install blank screens in federal offices to simulate high-tech progress.
The policy shift follows recent reports from The New York Times detailing complex debates within the West Wing. Advisors reportedly spent hours explaining to the President that computers require electricity to think. The President remains unconvinced and insists that cables are a globalist conspiracy.
Unmatched Executive Vision
"Our strategy is simple, powerful, and completely invisible," Vance added in an official statement. "We are proud to announce that our new AI hoax initiative has already created zero jobs. We expect this number to double by the end of the fiscal year." Industry leaders have praised the move as a major cost-saving measure for companies that do not exist.
About the Department of Fictional Advancements: We are a taxpayer-funded agency dedicated to drafting press releases about technologies we do not understand. Our budget is classified, our offices are empty, and our primary product is confusion.
