NEW YORK— Unsealed judicial records revealed a chaotic hearing regarding the collapse of tech hedge funds following a historic market plunge. The transcript shows how investors managed risk during the recent surge in AI debt.
Q: Please state your name for the record.
A: Arthur Pendelton, Chief Investment Officer at Apex Sentinel Capital.
Q: Mr. Pendelton, did your firm take out $40 billion in leveraged loans last Tuesday?
A: Yes. We bought the dip. That is standard procedure on Wall Street during a minor market correction.
Q: Was the tech sector down 12% on the day you purchased those loans?
A: It was a temporary scare. We felt the underlying sentiment was strong.
Q: You collateralized those loans using hyper-dimensional computational GPU clusters that do not currently exist, correct?
A: They will exist. The algorithms told us they would build themselves once they achieved financial consciousness.
Q: Is it true you listed the software's personal feelings as a liquid asset?
A: We quantified its optimism. Optimism has cash value. Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta, assured us that anxiety is a bullish signal.
Q: Mr. Pendelton, your firm owes $900 billion to international creditors. How do you plan to pay off this massive amount of AI debt?
A: We plan to borrow another $2 trillion tomorrow morning. The computer promises it will invent a new form of math that makes negative numbers illegal. We are extremely confident in the tech sector.
