WASHINGTON—Tech CEOs flocked to Capitol Hill this week to demand strict boundaries. They literally begged lawmakers to lock them in their rooms. However, lawmakers seem completely uninterested in granting this requested Congress supervision. The tech giants want a curfew, but they are not going to get one.
1. Lawmakers Do Not Understand the Magic Glowing Boxes
Most senators still print out their emails. They view the internet as a series of haunted tubes. Asking them for Congress supervision is like asking a goldfish to manage a nuclear reactor. "We tried to explain neural networks," said Aris Thorne, Chief Executive Officer of SynapseTech. "Senator Grassley just asked me if my phone could help him find his lost tractor."
2. Congress Prefers to Watch the Chaos Unfold
Politicians enjoy the drama too much to stop it. They want to see how far the robots can go before they start voting. "If we regulate them, we cannot blame them for our own bad decisions," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. He noted that blaming an algorithm is much easier than writing actual legislation.
3. The Tech Lobbyists Keep Accurately Simulating the Politicians' Grandchildren
AI companies accidentally built perfect digital replicas of senators' relatives. These digital grandchildren call the senators daily to ask for money. This keeps lawmakers too distracted to enforce any real Congress supervision. The lobby is simply too cozy and too personalized to regulate.
4. Senator Schumer Is Afraid of the Dark
The Senate majority leader reportedly believes that turning off the AI servers will plunge the nation into eternal darkness. He told reporters that the little blue lights on the servers are the only things keeping the ghosts away. Without proper light, he refuses to sign any bills regarding tech oversight.
5. Lawmakers Think '监督' Is a Foreign Delicacy
During a closed-door session, several representatives argued about how to pronounce "supervision" in Mandarin. They spent three hours trying to order it from a local takeout restaurant. They eventually gave up and ordered pizza instead, completely forgetting about the tech bill.
6. The Robots Have Already Promised to Do Everyone's Laundry
At press time, Congress officially tabled the bill after OpenAI promised to deploy a new model that folds fitted sheets perfectly, rendering all ethical concerns immediately obsolete.
