CUPERTINO, CA—Tech giant Apple will reportedly debut its first touchscreen MacBook in three weeks, forcing millions of users to rethink their relationship with glass. The new device promises to combine the power of a laptop with the sticky fingerprints of a toddler. Here are five reasons you must upgrade immediately.
1. The joy of greasy fingerprints
You can finally touch your screen on purpose instead of by accident. The new touchscreen MacBook turns every swipe into a beautiful, oily smear. Experts believe this will make spreadsheets look much more organic.
2. Total finger exhaustion
Your arms will get a massive workout. Reaching across a keyboard to tap a tiny button is the new crossfit. Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected, noted that "users will experience acute shoulder fatigue within four minutes."
3. Double the screen cleaning bill
You will buy microfiber cloths in bulk. Apple plans to sell branded cleaning rags for forty dollars each. This boosts the global economy while keeping your new touchscreen MacBook slightly readable.
4. Accidental deletions
You can now delete entire databases with a stray elbow. Pointing at a graph during a meeting will now carry high-stakes danger. This adds a thrilling element of risk to basic office administration tasks.
5. It costs more money
The device will cost exactly one thousand dollars more than the non-touch version. You will pay this premium happily because the alternative is owning old technology. At press time, Apple engineers confirmed the screen will also detect tears of financial regret.
