SHENZHEN—Tech enthusiasts are losing their minds over the latest smartphone leak. The upcoming Red Magic 12 Pro+ promises to revolutionize the mobile industry. It achieves this by being completely unusable for actual human tasks.
1. The screen now extends onto your actual eyeballs
The Red Magic 12 Pro+ features a wrap-around screen. It extends past the chassis. It actually projects directly onto your retinas. "This is the next logical step in mobile consumption," says Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. Users will never have to look at the real world again.
2. It contains a miniature nuclear cooling tower
To power the graphic chip, the Red Magic 12 Pro+ requires extreme cooling. Nubia installed a steam-venting cooling tower on the back panel. The device will occasionally emit a loud foghorn sound. This prevents the lithium battery from melting through your floorboards.
3. The chassis is made of actual, razor-sharp obsidian
No more cheap plastic. The Red Magic 12 Pro+ uses volcanic glass. It is incredibly sleek. It will also slice through your jeans. It is designed to make you bleed for your high-frame-rate mobile gaming sessions.
4. It shoots laser beams at rival phone brands
The camera bump now houses an active defense system. If the Red Magic 12 Pro+ detects an iPhone within three feet, it fires a low-intensity infrared beam. This instantly drains the competitor's battery. "We wanted to build brand loyalty through direct physical sabotage," a spokesperson confirmed.
5. It will finally let you play a video game from last week
According to Digital Trends, previous models could handle console ports. This new edition goes further. It allows you to run modern desktop games. It does this for exactly four minutes. Then it permanently fuses to your kitchen counter.
6. The device automatically files for bankruptcy on your behalf
At a retail price of $4,500, the Red Magic 12 Pro+ is a major investment. To save time, the setup wizard connects directly to your bank. It then automatically liquidates your 401(k) and signs your house over to the manufacturer.
