TO: All Staff, Reprise/Warner Records Elite Task Force
FROM: Craig Gasket, Executive VP of Nostalgia Monetization
RE: Phase 1 Prep for the next My Chemical Romance album
Team, following Gerard Way's recent stage banter, the public expects a new My Chemical Romance album. However, we cannot simply let four wealthy, well-adjusted men in their late 40s enter a studio. They are far too happy. Our market research shows their core audience requires genuine, concentrated agony.
The Re-Emoification Initiative
Effective immediately, the band will enter a high-security emotional boot camp in Portland. "We must strip away their healthy coping mechanisms," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "If Gerard is not actively weeping while staring at a wet autumn leaf, we will not hit our Q4 projections."
The training schedule includes twelve hours of daily eyeliner application in pitch-black rooms. Staff must confiscate all of Ray Toro's colorful shirts. He will wear only damp, thrifted cardigans. Frank Iero must listen to nothing but dial-up internet sounds for three weeks to restore his inner angst.
Strict Aesthetic Guidelines
Furthermore, we must address their physical appearance. "The band's current bone structure is far too robust," noted Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "An authentic My Chemical Romance album requires a specific, nutrient-deficient jawline from 2004."
We have hired elite stylists to chemically straighten their hair to a hazardous 45-degree angle. No band member may smile. If a member smiles, we will extend their contract by another decade. We need this My Chemical Romance album to save our vinyl pressing plants from bankruptcy. Please ensure all black parade jackets are dry-cleaned and smelling faintly of teenage rebellion by Tuesday.
Sincerely,
Craig Gasket
Dictated but not read while crying to "Helena" in my Mercedes.
