LOS ANGELES—Indie rockers Dummy released two brand-new singles today. The dual release of "April Limousine" and "Alluvial Fan" has left their dedicated, over-caffeinated fanbase in a state of high anxiety. To help listeners survive the sudden influx of these highly anticipated new Dummy tracks, we have compiled a handy guide for navigating this auditory experience.
1. Acquire a Municipal Drone Permit
The feedback on the new Dummy tracks requires proper aerial clearance. Local ordinances prohibit playing dream-pop at these frequencies without informing the FAA. We suggest filing a noise waiver with your local city council immediately.
2. Consult Your Local Geologist
One of the new Dummy tracks is named "Alluvial Fan," which is a geological term. "Our research shows that listeners are highly susceptible to sediment deposits," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Do not listen to this song near a river delta without a hard hat."
3. Apply for a Chauffeur License
To fully experience "April Limousine," you must legally operate a stretch vehicle. Renting a town car and driving at exactly 14 miles per hour through a suburban cul-de-sac remains the only approved way to stream the song.
4. Prepare to Hear from Joe Trainor
Guitarist and tireless publicist Joe Trainor will likely email you directly about these new Dummy tracks. He knows where you live. He knows your Spotify password. Do not resist his polite, well-formatted press releases.
5. Stare Directly into a Warm, Glowing Vacuum Tube
If you do not have access to an analog synthesizer, staring at a microwave oven will suffice. At press time, local hospitals reported three hipsters hospitalized for attempting to physically merge their bodies with a vintage fuzz pedal.
