AUSTIN, TX—Automotive history changed forever this week. Tesla unveiled its new flying Roadster to the public. The vehicle completely abandons traditional roads. According to company executives, driving on asphalt is officially embarrassing. Here are six key features of the revolutionary vehicle.
1. Zero To Sixty In Less Than A Second
The vehicle launches straight into the sky. Passengers will experience total blackout conditions immediately upon acceleration. "We optimized the vehicle for rapid gravitational displacement," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "Human organs will relocate to the lower abdomen."
2. Optional Cold-Gas Thrusters
Drivers can clear traffic jams using literal rocket technology. The thrusters sit behind the rear license plate. They incinerate tailgaters instantly. Tesla confirms the exhaust heat reaches two thousand degrees Fahrenheit.
3. Autopilot Atmospheric Drift
The flying Roadster handles commercial airspace seamlessly. It dodges regional passenger jets using advanced AI algorithms. It also ignores warnings from the Federal Aviation Administration. The vehicle simply mutes air traffic control towers automatically.
4. Full Self-Crashing Safety Protocols
Landing remains an optional software upgrade. Base models will deploy an emergency giant trampoline upon descent. High-altitude collisions automatically file insurance claims before impact.
5. Complete Absence Of Tires
Tesla eliminated tires to save structural weight. Rubber is completely unnecessary for cloud travel. The vehicle hovers four inches off the garage floor while charging. It rendered traditional tire mechanics entirely obsolete.
6. It Never Actually Gets Built
The most impressive feature is theoretical existence. Production begins next year. Production has begun next year since 2017. Delivery dates exist in a perpetual state of quantum flux. At press time, customers successfully paid fifty-thousand-dollar deposits for a computer render.
