SEATTLE—Amazon shocked consumers this week by launching the Amazon Alexa Tablet, a premium entertainment hub designed to replace its budget-friendly Fire line. The sleek new device features an aluminum chassis and a stunning high-definition display. However, early adopters reported a terrifying security feature designed to keep users locked into the Amazon ecosystem. The device emits a deafening, 110-decibel screech whenever a user attempts to load the competitor website Walmart.
A Very Loud Ecosystem
The tech giant designed the new device to compete directly with high-end tablets. Company executives wanted to elevate the brand from cheap plastic to luxury hardware. Yet, the aggressive retail defense mechanism has caught many off guard. Users trying to price-match groceries online reported immediate physical distress. The screech sounds like a blend of a dial-up modem and a dying hawk.
"We wanted to build a device that truly commands the room," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "Most tech companies use subtle algorithms to steer consumers. The Amazon Alexa Tablet uses raw, unadulterated acoustic terror. It is a bold, disruptive strategy for the modern smart home."
Auditory Retaliation
Product testing revealed the device also responds to verbal mentions of rival brands. Saying the word "Target" near the microphone triggers an immediate three-hour lecture on Prime shipping speeds. The lecture plays at maximum volume and cannot be muted. Amazon developers defended the aggressive software as a user-benefit feature.
"Our customers demand a curated experience," said Marcus Vance, Deputy Director of Brand Loyalty Enforcement at Amazon. "If you want to buy cheaper toilet paper elsewhere, your ears will pay the price. We believe this builds a deeper connection with our brand."
At press time, several injured Amazon customers reported that their tablets had begun autonomously ordering high-end noise-canceling headphones to help them cope with the screaming.
