CUPERTINO, CA—Technology giant Apple Inc. announced its highly anticipated iPhone launch event today, marking the first major product debut under the leadership of newly appointed Chief Executive Officer John Ternus.
The announcement sent shockwaves through the tech community. Early reports indicate that admission to the livestream requires more than just a premium subscription. The company now demands a small sample of genetic material to unlock the broadcast link.
A New Corporate Direction
"We wanted to streamline the user experience," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "Under previous leadership, customers merely traded currency for devices. This new iPhone launch event invites consumers to pledge their eternal life force directly to the silicon chip."
Industry analysts expressed immediate concern over the logistical challenges of digital bloodletting. However, stock prices surged by four percent following the press release. Investors praised the bold move toward absolute physical ownership of the consumer base.
The Silicon Altar
"The hardware is truly beautiful this year," said Brenda Vance, Vice President of Bio-Digital Integration at Apple. "The new titanium chassis features micro-needles that bond with your thumbprint. It is no longer just a phone. It is a family member that knows your exact iron levels."
At press time, Apple technicians were seen erecting a massive, glossy black obelisk in the center of the Steve Jobs Theater while chanting in high-frequency system alert sounds.
