CUPERTINO, CA—Technology giant Apple announced it will host its upcoming September 9 iPhone launch event inside the boiling caldera of Mount Mount Nyiragongo. The company confirmed the venue change in a press release early Monday morning.
A Hot New Direction
The highly anticipated iPhone launch event marks the debut of the company's new Chief Executive Officer. Executive leadership wanted a venue that truly reflected the disruptive, molten nature of their updated silicon chips. Staff have already started constructing a floating, heat-resistant glass stage directly over the bubbling magma.
"We wanted to escape the stale atmosphere of Silicon Valley theaters," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "Hosting the iPhone launch event next to active, liquid rock signals to investors that the company is still willing to risk literal human sacrifice for a marginal camera upgrade."
Extreme Product Testing
The logistics team has already shipped thousands of black turtleneck hazard suits to tech journalists. The presentation will reportedly require attendees to zipline across the sulfur clouds to secure a hands-on demo. Keynote speakers will have exactly forty seconds to present their slides before their shoes melt to the stage.
"Our new titanium casing can survive temperatures up to three thousand degrees," said Cheryl Ash, Vice President of Extreme Thermal Marketing at Apple. "If a presenter falls into the pit, we expect the phone to float to the top completely intact and still playing Apple Music."
At press time, Apple engineers were frantically debugging the phone's facial recognition software to ensure it could recognize a user whose eyebrows had been completely singed off by the volcanic draft.
