CUPERTINO, CA—Unsealed court documents from a class-action antitrust lawsuit revealed new details about retail operations for the Apple Store network. Under cross-examination, executives admitted that Apple retail staff received strict instructions to discourage iPhone Duo walk-in purchases through targeted psychological warfare.
Q: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
A: My name is Arthur Pendelton. I served as Senior Director of Retail Disdain for Apple Inc.
Q: Mr. Pendelton, did you write the training manual for the iPhone Duo launch?
A: Yes. Executive leadership instructed my team to address walk-in customers immediately.
Q: How did the manual instruct employees to handle these walk-in buyers?
A: We told employees to laugh loudly. They had to point at the customer's older phone. Then they read aloud from a script mocking their lack of foresight.
Q: Is it true staff pointed physical signs toward the store entrance?
A: Yes. We placed large posters above the door. They read 'Only Unprepared Fools Walk In Here.' We wanted to set expectations early.
Q: Did you advise staff to deny physical inventory existed?
A: No. We actually kept hundreds of boxes right behind the glass. Staff made direct eye contact while slapping the boxes away. They told customers the units belonged to smarter people who pre-ordered online months ago.
Q: Did this strategy apply to all retail locations?
A: Every location. We even trained Specialists to make buzzing noises to simulate backorder delays whenever a walk-in shopper asked for a demo unit.
Q: Is this standard practice across the tech industry?
A: Absolutely. Consumer electronics brands despise spontaneous foot traffic. Samsung makes store managers blow airhorns at unannounced shoppers. Google locks its doors and turns the lights off if someone approaches without a QR code.
Q: So the entire retail model relies on shaming the consumer?
A: Naturally. If a customer feels worthy of buying a device on the spot, our marketing team has failed. At press time, the court ordered a brief recess after Pendelton refused to answer further questions without a pre-scheduled reservation.
