CUPERTINO, CA—Apple executives confirmed Monday that the upcoming September iPhone launch event will feature the live ritual sacrifice of a green-bubble Android user. The blood offering marks a major shift in the company's product marketing strategy. It aims to secure high quarterly yields for its newest titanium handsets.
A Covenant In Cupertino
The tech giant sent invites to major media outlets early this morning. The invitation featured a glowing, blood-red Apple logo. Company leaders hope the offering will appease the gods of global supply chains. They also hope it will resolve ongoing semiconductor shortages that plague the industry.
"We tried traditional marketing," said Marcus Vance, Executive Vice President of Ritualistic Engagement at Apple. "We tried sleek aluminum finishes. We tried three-lens cameras. But the market demands a blood covenant. During this September iPhone launch event, we will cleanse the ecosystem. We will purge the green-bubble scourge once and for all."
The Chosen Green Bubble
Sources say Apple security forces apprehended the victim outside a local coffee shop. The target was actively texting on an outdated Motorola device. The victim's green text bubbles had reportedly irritated local iOS users for years.
"I thought my group chats were safe," said Brenda Higgins, a local Apple customer who knew the victim. "But deep down, we all knew. His low-resolution videos were holding us back. If his demise means I get a faster refresh rate on my screen, I can live with that trade."
At press time, Apple technicians were seen polishing a ceremonial USB-C dagger while testing the auditorium's acoustics for muffled screams.
