WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent product recall notice today regarding the new Bad Wolves Dolly Parton cover. Federal regulators classified the track as a Class I acoustic hazard. The song, a heavy metal rendition of the 1973 classic "Jolene," poses an immediate risk of permanent aesthetic damage to listener ear canals.
Hazard Description and Affected Units
The recall affects all digital streams, vinyl pressings, and radio waves carrying the Dolly Parton cover. Investigators discovered the track contains trace amounts of unsolicited nu-metal aggression. This chemical imbalance can cause severe emotional whiplash in unsuspecting country fans.
"We found extreme levels of unprovoked screaming in the chorus," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "This product did not meet basic safety standards for Southern heritage ballads. We ordered the immediate removal of all digital files before more guitarists quit the band in protest."
Remedy and Replacement Details
Consumers must immediately stop listening to the Dolly Parton cover. Authorities advise deleting the track from all Spotify playlists. The agency offers a full replacement program consisting of three minutes of pure, soothing static.
"Our playlist safety algorithms flagged the track instantly," said Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify. "The transition from banjo to drop-C tuning caused several test subjects to throw their iPhones into oncoming traffic."
At press time, federal agents are actively raiding local rock stations to physically confiscate the CD singles with giant metal tongs.
