WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued a nationwide recall today for the new Bad Wolves Jolene cover after tests confirmed the track contains zero traceable amounts of country icon Dolly Parton.
Hazard Level: Severe Disappointment
The federal safety notice warns that the Bad Wolves Jolene cover poses an immediate risk of emotional whiplash. Band representatives initially promised the track would feature Parton's legendary vocals. Instead, the final product contains only heavy down-tuned guitars and aggressive screaming. "We detected a 100 percent deficit of sweet Appalachian warbles," said Marcus Bellweather, Deputy Director of the Federal Decibel Administration. "Consumers expected rhinestones but received cheap tactical vests. This is a class-A auditory hazard."
Affected Units
The recall affects all digital streams, lyric videos, and promotional CD-Rs of the Bad Wolves Jolene cover distributed after midnight. Regulators advise citizens to delete the file immediately. "Our testing facility ran the track through a spectrum analyzer," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "We found plenty of sweat and creatine, but absolutely no Dolly. The disappointment levels are toxic."
Remedy and Compensation
The band has offered to replace the recalled Bad Wolves Jolene cover with a complementary digital voucher. The voucher allows fans to download a PDF of a written apology from the band's management. At press time, federal agents were actively raiding Spotify servers to isolate the affected audio files before they could infect any more wholesome backyard barbecue playlists.
