TO: All Staff
FROM: Harrison Vance, Director of Apocalyptic Monetization at Motown Records
RE: Release of Erykah Badu and The Alchemist’s collaborative album, Before The World Blows
Team, we must coordinate our efforts. The new album, Before The World Blows, officially drops today. This is our first Badu LP in 16 years. It is also our final release before the impending global collapse. We must maximize streaming revenue before the grid goes down forever.
Prepare the Doomsday Playlists
Our marketing strategy must shift immediately. Standard promotion will not work during the end times. We need active placement on pre-apocalypse playlists. Pitch the single 'Witch Doctor' to curators of 'Lo-Fi Beats to Watch the Meteors Fall To'.
"We are targeting a very specific demographic," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "Our research shows that listeners crave dusty soul loops while hoarding canned peaches. The Alchemist's production pairs perfectly with mild existential dread. We expect high engagement from bunkers."
Do Not Accept Cash Payments
Physical distribution requires extreme caution. Ship all vinyl copies of Before The World Blows immediately. Do not accept paper currency. We only accept canned beans, copper wiring, or gasoline. Field reps must secure these assets before the final broadcast.
"The guest features are highly tradable commodities," said Marcus Bellweather, Spotify's Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence. "An Earl Sweatshirt verse will easily fetch three gallons of potable water by Tuesday. Steve Lacy's guitar stems can be bartered for medical supplies in the ruins of Los Angeles."
Please note that all scheduled performance reviews are canceled. We will not process October payroll. We spent the entire remaining corporate budget on Thundercat bass solos. Good luck to everyone, and thank you for your service to the brand.
At press time, the marketing team was seen fighting over the last remaining promo t-shirt to use as a makeshift bandage.
