WASHINGTON—A federal court transcript has exposed the bizarre distribution plan behind the upcoming Erykah Badu and The Alchemist collaborative project. Under oath, industry insiders admitted the duo filed a preemptive nuisance lawsuit against the Department of Energy. They did this solely to read the tracklist of the highly anticipated Before the World Blows into the official public record. The strategic legal maneuver bypassed traditional streaming platforms entirely. It forced the court reporter to transcribe complex drum patterns and guest verses from Thundercat and Earl Sweatshirt directly into federal archives.
THE COURT: Counsel, please state the relevance of this audio playback to the EPA emissions guidelines.
MR. COOPER (Counsel for Plaintiffs): Your Honor, the baseline on track three is essential. It proves the world is indeed ending. We call Agnes Periwinkle to the stand.
Q: Ms. Periwinkle, as Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation, did you coordinate the delivery of the Erykah Badu album to the jury?
A: Yes. We realized standard streaming algorithms could not handle the spiritual weight of Before the World Blows. So, we sued the government. Federal courtrooms have excellent acoustics. Now, the entire record exists as a legally binding document.
Q: Is it true that the collaborative project also features Kamasi Washington and Westside Gunn?
A: It does. Westside Gunn’s signature ad-libs are currently marked as ‘Exhibit C’. The court stenographer had a panic attack trying to spell them. But legally, those ad-libs are now protected under state secrets privilege.
Q: Are you saying you used a federal lawsuit as a PR campaign for the Erykah Badu album?
A: The music industry is dying, counselor. Subpoenas are the only way to guarantee 100% open rates on press releases. We also subpoenaed Steve Lacy just to get his guitar solo into the deposition notes. It worked beautifully.
THE COURT: The witness is dismissed. Bailiff, please distribute the promotional incense.
