OTTAWA— The Superior Court of Justice convened Tuesday to investigate allegations of widespread systemic corruption surrounding the recent Billboard Canada Women of the Year proceedings. Crown Prosecutor Sarah Jenkins questioned witness Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, former Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. The following transcript details the testimony regarding how the Billboard Women in Music franchises operate behind closed doors.
Q: Dr. Vasquez-Thorne, can you explain how your committee selected the Billboard Canada Women of the Year recipient?
A: We loaded twenty artist names into an offshore roulette wheel. The wheel landed on a blank space. So we called an executive at Universal Music Group. He flipped a nickel into a foggy Ottawa swamp. The echo sounded vaguely like 'Cardi B.' We printed the trophy ten minutes later.
Q: Is this standard protocol for Canadian music awards?
A: Absolutely. It is the exact same mathematical model used to ensure Drake extends a chart record every Thursday at midnight. We just draft a song title like 'Habibti' in a group chat. Then we assign it two billion fake streams from automated Tim Hortons drive-thru kiosks.
Q: So the entire chart system is fabricated?
A: Completely. Do you think people buy obstructed Backstreet Boys tickets by choice? We intentionally build pillars in front of seats. Then we charge fans fifty dollars to upgrade to a slightly thinner pillar. The venue industry relies entirely on visual deprivation revenue.
Q: Are you admitting that the entire Billboard Canada Women of the Year honor is a financial illusion?
A: Honor has nothing to do with it. Every major label award is just three shell corporations in a trench coat. We rotate the trophies so the tax auditors stay confused. If we stop giving out awards, the entire Northern hemisphere music economy collapses in twenty minutes.
