MELBOURNE— The Consumer Audio Safety Commission announced a mandatory recall today for the upcoming Billiam Fang The Sniper album. Testing revealed that the three advance tracks contain hazardous levels of lo-fi energy. Government officials advise citizens to stop listening to the songs immediately. The tracks pose a direct threat to domestic tranquility.
Severe Risk of Spontaneous Thrashing
Regulators flagged the tracks "Human Body Units," "Birdman Rally," and "Asbestos And Me" during routine auditory screening. "We observed rapid heart rates in laboratory mice," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "The Australian garage-rock artist jumbled pop hooks with punk pedigree. This combination creates an unstable sonic compound. It bypasses the brain's natural defenses against fun."
The commission classified the Billiam Fang The Sniper hazard level as "uncontrollable verve." Affected units include all digital streams, bandcamp downloads, and mental loops stuck in consumer heads. No injuries have been reported yet. However, several users reported mild neck strain from involuntary headbanging.
Remedy and Replacement Instructions
"We are ordering an immediate quarantine of these frequencies," said Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. "If you have exposed your web browser to these songs, please flush your ears with boring podcasts. We did not anticipate this level of fast, loud, lo-fidelity danger." Consumers can exchange their digital copy of the Billiam Fang The Sniper album for a safe, state-approved corporate acoustic ballad.
At press time, federal agents were struggling to contain a local record store clerk who began furiously air-drumming during the seizure of the vinyl test pressings.
