WASHINGTON— A federal antitrust tribunal unsealed transcript fragments today. They expose the shadowy cartel behind the mandatory promotional cycle for Carly Rae Jepsen and other pop stars. The official litigation focuses on the industry-wide mandate known as the 11 new albums initiative. Under oath, major label executives admitted to brainwashing consumers.
Q: State your name and occupation for the record.
A: My name is Barnaby Quill. I am the Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. I also manage the playlist distribution syndicate.
Q: Mr. Quill, let us discuss the document titled "11 new albums you must consume immediately." Why those specific records?
A: Because we already manufactured the vinyl. Millions of copies. If the public does not stream Miley Cyrus today, the global supply chain collapses.
Q: So the phrase "11 new albums" is not a recommendation?
A: No. It is a threat. We code the algorithms to lock users out of their smart fridges until they stream Empress Of. It is a coordinated effort.
Q: Did your organization use similar tactics for the punk band Team Dresch?
A: Yes. We injected their discography directly into the Bluetooth dental drills of three thousand pediatric dentists. Nobody escapes the 11 new albums list.
At press time, the bailiff was seen aggressively nodding along to a Carly Rae Jepsen b-side leaking from the judge's headphones.
