TO: All Staff
FROM: Gary Vance, Senior Vice President of Auditory Compliance
RE: Mandatory playback levels for the Dazy MAXIMUMBLASTSUPERLOUD Vol. 2 compilation
Management requires all personnel to stream the new Richmond rock compilation immediately. You must bypass standard safety limiters on your work laptops. Our IT department disabled the volume-down keys on your keyboards last night. This ensures optimal engagement with the new tracks.
Enforcing Auditory Dominance
"We noticed a 12% drop in office adrenaline yesterday," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "Our models show that playing the Dazy MAXIMUMBLASTSUPERLOUD Vol. 2 track 'Beat Change' at 110 decibels increases spreadsheet entry speeds. Employees might suffer mild, temporary tinnitus. However, the productivity gains far outweigh the cost of corporate earplugs."
Do not attempt to use headphones. Headphones isolate the energy. We require a collective, room-shaking experience. The walls must vibrate. The coffee cups must slide off the desks. This is the only way to experience the Dazy MAXIMUMBLASTSUPERLOUD Vol. 2 collection as intended by the artist.
Consequences of Quiet Listening
HR will monitor ambient noise levels in all cubicles. Anyone caught listening to the fuzz-pop tracks at a reasonable level will face disciplinary action. We did not purchase these high-output soundbars for you to listen to quiet indie rock. We bought them to blast Dazy MAXIMUMBLASTSUPERLOUD Vol. 2 until the drywall cracks.
Please note that this initiative has nothing to do with our upcoming quarterly audit. We definitely did not sign a secret promotional deal to inflate local streaming numbers to cover up our massive losses in the metaverse real estate market. Enjoy the music.
