FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Justice proudly announced today a groundbreaking initiative to streamline the process of denaturalizing citizens through brand-new, self-service automated kiosks. Federal officials confirmed the revolutionary systems will roll out nationwide next week. The effort will focus initial pilot programs on high-profile targets like Rep. Ilhan Omar.
A Seamless Revocation Experience
Department leaders expressed overwhelming enthusiasm for the technology. They promised the new hardware will modernize federal bureaucracy. Users simply scan a passport, answer three security questions, and immediately lose all constitutional rights. The process takes less than four minutes.
"We are thrilled to bring cutting-edge efficiency to stripping American citizenship," said Arthur Pendelton, Senior Vice President of Innovation at the Department of Justice. "Historically, revoking a sitting politician's naturalized status took months of tedious paperwork. Now, our custom touchscreen software processes citizenship revocation faster than ordering a iced latte. It is a win for public-private collaboration."
Empowering Border Officials Through Automation
The automated touchscreens feature intuitive software designed for quick navigation. Officials installed robust security cameras to photograph subjects during citizenship removal. The system also automatically prints a one-way bus ticket directly from the receipt slot.
"Our team built a truly frictionless deportation pipeline," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok, who served as a technology consultant on the project. "The user interface is super slick. You just tap 'Denaturalize' on the screen. Then the system displays a cute little confetti animation while voiding your birth certificate. It brings great energy to federal enforcement."
ABOUT THE DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE DENATURALIZATION DIVISION: Founded earlier this morning in a converted basement broom closet, the Division aims to process up to 10,000 involuntary citizen revocations per hour. The Department accepts no liability for legal errors, accidental deportations of domestic tourists, or system glitches caused by dirty touchscreens. All sales are final.
