TO: All Department of Justice Field Agents
FROM: Office of the Solicitor General
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: Implementation of new mail-in ballot restrictions
This memorandum provides immediate operational guidance. The administration has requested the Supreme Court to approve immediate mail-in ballot restrictions. We must prepare for instant execution. Our goal remains simple. We must secure the vote by making it physically impossible to complete.
The Labyrinth Protocol
Effective immediately, agents will reroute all blue collection boxes. Staff must place them at the center of a three-acre corn maze. This measure satisfies the new mail-in ballot restrictions. State officials must not provide maps to voters. We believe this keeps the process fair.
"We want to ensure absolute voter commitment," said Donald Sterling, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Obstacle-Based Democracy. "If a citizen truly cares about civic duty, they will easily bypass the spike pits. A ballot should require at least some upper-body strength."
Required Voter Equipment
Local boards of elections must update their websites. They must advise voters to bring compasses and light iron rations. The mail-in ballot restrictions also forbid the use of flashlights. Voters must navigate the ballot drops using only natural starlight.
Ultimately, this strategy will ensure that only the most determined ballots survive. This will drastically reduce the paperwork load on our understaffed postal offices, which was the goal of this entire initiative anyway because we accidentally sold all the sorting machines on eBay last Tuesday.
