WASHINGTON—The Federal Reserve announced on Wednesday that they are not done fighting inflation, and they clarified that the battle will require physically fighting you behind a grocery store.
Officials warned that current fiscal strategies have failed to cool down consumer demand. They stated that more aggressive, hand-to-hand measures are now necessary to curb spending.
The New Monetary Policy
"We tried raising interest rates," said Kevin Warsh, former member of the Federal Reserve Board of Governors. "But Americans keep buying sandwiches. If you buy a sandwich next week, I will personally throw a brick through your windshield to stabilize the dollar."
The central bank plans to deploy armed economists to major retail hubs. These agents will tackle anyone attempting to purchase non-essential items like organic eggs or streaming subscriptions.
A Necessary Sacrifice
Economists defend the new physical approach. They argue that traditional tools no longer work on a stubborn public.
"Our models show that a black eye reduces household spending by forty percent," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation, who is advising the Fed on crowd control. "If we want to stop fighting inflation, we must start fighting the people who cause it. And that means you, Harold from Ohio."
At press time, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell was seen practicing his left hook on a punching bag shaped like a carton of milk.