ERFURT—Official transcripts from a state tribunal in Thuringia reveal that a local politician only joined the far-right AfD to secure a reliable source of free cured meats. Under cross-examination, Hans-Dieter Schopp, a former regional candidate for the controversial Alternative for Germany party, admitted that political ideology played no role in his career choice. He repeatedly claimed that the party's relentless campaign barbecues offered the only consistent caloric intake in his district.
Q: Mr. Schopp, did you not sign the party manifesto advocating for the immediate expulsion of dual citizens?
A: I did. But you must understand. The table with the signup sheets sat directly next to the grill. If you signed, you got a second bratwurst. If you signed the radical faction addendum, they gave you a whole smoked mettwurst.
Q: Are you telling this court that your entire platform for the far-right AfD was based on complimentary pork products?
A: Yes. The entire regional committee operates on a meat-based incentive program. We do not actually read the leaflets. We just carry the boxes because the box-carriers get the premium mustard.
Q: To be clear, you stood on stage in Weimar and shouted slogans about national purity?
A: I was shouting about the purity of the local butcher. The acoustics in those beer halls are terrible. I said we must protect the traditional recipe. My colleagues in the far-right AfD assumed I meant the German race. I meant the natural hog casing.
Q: So you have no actual alignment with their nationalist agenda?
A: None. Frankly, the politics are far too spicy for me. I prefer a mild bockwurst. But when the Reuters reporters showed up, I had to look angry to match the brand. It is very hard to look angry while chewing a delicious, free sausage.
