BERLIN—German mainstream politicians announced a major change to the country's political defenses. They officially downgraded the metaphorical firewall against the far right to a shaky rope bridge. The shift follows the recent electoral surge by the Alternative for Germany (AfD) party in Saxony-Anhalt. Leaders admitted the previous wall lacked basic structural integrity.
1. The Firewall Had Too Many Doggy Doors
Officials admitted the original firewall against the far right featured several structural flaws. It had twelve doggy doors and a very low velvet rope. "We built the wall out of cardboard," said Hans-Dieter Schmidt, Director of Meta-Metaphorical Infrastructure. "The wind blew it over."
2. Standard Coalitions Now Require Eye Contact
German parties traditionally refuse to work with the far right. However, new guidelines allow politicians to make brief, accidental eye contact. "We will only look at them through a mirror," said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. "This protects our democratic values."
3. The Rope Bridge Offers Better Tension
Architects claim a shaky rope bridge over a canyon of despair is more realistic. It sways violently in the wind of public opinion. It also makes creaking noises whenever a politician changes their mind. Experts believe this setup represents modern German governance perfectly.
4. Mass Deportations of the Firewall Itself
The AfD campaigned on a platform of mass deportations. In response, centrist parties proposed deporting the firewall itself. They plan to send the metaphor to a nice farm upstate where it can live out its days. This avoids any awkward political confrontations in parliament.
5. A New 'Fire Wall' Made of Actual Fire
Left-wing activists proposed a literal barrier of burning tire fires. This idea was quickly rejected by environmental regulators. The regulators noted that toxic smoke violates strict European emission standards.
6. Setting Up a Shared Slack Workspace
Mainstream parties agreed to compromise by sharing a digital workspace with the far right. They will not speak in person. However, they will exchange passive-aggressive emojis on Slack. "It is a compromise," said Schmidt. "We only use the eye-roll emoji."
7. Changing the Definition of Right to Left
The government plans to solve the crisis by legally redefining the political spectrum. They will rename the far right to 'The Spicy Center.' This allows moderate parties to form a coalition without feeling bad about it.
